


Shaking hands with the dark parts of my thoughts

by Vlindervin



Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rick Riordan, The Heroes of Olympus - Rick Riordan
Genre: Angst, Dark!Percy, F/M, Smut, in the vaguest way possible, percabeth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-17
Updated: 2016-08-17
Packaged: 2018-08-09 09:19:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7796179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vlindervin/pseuds/Vlindervin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He sees the blow hitting her and her body flying through the night, blood pouring out of her chest, her face twisted in surprise. Not pain, not yet. When she hits the ground he can hear her skull cracking mixed with her cries of pain. In his dreams he can’t get to her and has to see her suffer from a distance with no way to help her. In his dreams it’s just the two of them and no one that comes to her rescue. Not even him. In his dreams he sees her being blown away in slow motion. An image that might have been beautiful if the circumstances weren’t the same. She kind of looks like an angel, her golden locks flying around her head like a halo. <br/>When it actually happened though, everything went way too fast. He barely had time to register the moment she got hit, barely time to see her flashing in front of her eyes. He certainly wasn’t able to hear her hit the ground, there had been too much noise all around. And when he got to her, it was too late. Her eyes were open, but lifeless. The grey that had always made him think of a hurricane, was now more like a simple cloud, drifting away to rain out somewhere else. Elysium most likely.</p>
<p>Percy goes dark when Annabeth dies.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shaking hands with the dark parts of my thoughts

_Dark, dark, black and he thinks_ oh no _because he’s back and he can’t fucking believe it. Percy’s alone this time though and, once again, he thinks Annabeth is the only thing keeping him sane. He can’t escape this thing without her, he’s certain._

_He has to drink fire again and then the monsters start attacking him. Everything’s evil in this place. This place without light, without life, laughter or joy. It’s hell._

_The monsters, there are too many of them, he can’t fight them all. Especially without his powers, because there’s no water near. Of course not, that would be too easy. Too fucking easy. His arms are already getting tired, he can’t do this, he feels something stabbing his leg and it doesn’t just hurt. It’s as if his leg is being set on fire, but also freezing to the point when he thinks it’s going to fall off. The pain’s excruciating and that doesn’t even cover what he’s feeling. Never has he ever felt pain like that. Except that he did. He feels pain like that every night, every time he closes his eyes and slowly drifts into sleep. If you can even call it sleep at all. It’s more of a spiral leading to only horrors and the worst memories somehow made even worse than they were in real life._

_He’s alone, alone, alone… He screams._

_Then he’s being shook and a voice is calling his name. He looks up, but all he sees is his blood and the horrible things above him. The voice keeps calling him, more urgent now. He forces himself to do something and he manages to open his eyes._

_The darkness is replaced by grey. He’s awake and Annabeth is still repeating his name and tears are streaming down her face. She’s whispering his name over and over again._ Percy, Percy, Percy…

_It was all a dream. A dream that can be chased away by Annabeth. He sits up, his whole body bathing in sweat. He looks at Annabeth and takes her in her arms. He remembers how alone he had felt. Alone in Tartarus without Annabeth. He was crying without knowing when he started. Probably while he was still sleeping._

_She buries her face in his chest, her breathing racing way too fast._

_‘It’s okay, Percy’, she says, softly. ‘We don’t have to go back there. We don’t ever have to go back.’_

_And he nods along to her words. They don’t have to go back. It’s all over. The nightmares are terrible, but when they wake up, they have each other to fall back on. Each other to remind them that they’re alive, together. Together nothing is too hard. Together._

 

This is a nightmare he can’t wake up from. Annabeth is gone for good and opening his eyes won’t make her reappear. Hs nightmares and real life wave into each other until he can’t tell them apart. Until he doesn’t know which one is worse. If being awake and being without her hurts more or if losing her again at night does more damage.

It doesn’t really matter. They’re both terrible. He thinks of her always. He can’t shut of his thoughts. Filled with images of her alive and her dead body lurking behind his eyelids, waiting for him to close his eyes before coming out and taking over his vision.

He sees the blow hitting her and her body flying through the night, blood pouring out of her chest, her face twisted in surprise. Not pain, not yet. When she hits the ground he can hear her skull cracking mixed with her cries of pain. In his dreams he can’t get to her and has to see her suffer from a distance with no way to help her. In his dreams it’s just the two of them and no one that comes to her rescue. Not even him. In his dreams he sees her being blown away in slow motion. An image that might have been beautiful if the circumstances weren’t the same. She kind of looks like an angel, her golden locks flying around her head like a halo.

When it actually happened though, everything went way too fast. He barely had time to register the moment she got hit, barely time to see her flashing in front of her eyes. He certainly wasn’t able to hear her hit the ground, there had been too much noise all around. And when he got to her, it was too late. Her eyes were open, but lifeless. The grey that had always made him think of a hurricane, was now more like a simple cloud, drifting away to rain out somewhere else. Elysium most likely.

And the times he dreams about her alive, are maybe even worse. He’ll dream about them laughing together, or about her swatting his arm, repressing a grin after he said something stupid. And he’ll feel happy for a while, like nothing changed and she’s still here, until he wakes up. He’ll wake up and realize that, once again, he had been dreaming and that she’s gone and that he has to go through the day with that knowledge and he’s not sure if he can. He’s living a nightmare he can’t wake up from.

*

_They’re walking down the beach. The sun is slowly setting in the distance and the sky is filled with an assortment of beautiful colours. There’s no one else there except for some other couple, too preoccupied by each other’s lips to notice anything else happening around them._

_Percy and Annabeth are talking about memories they shared. They’re laughing and having a good time, just enjoying being with each other on one of the most romantic settings there are._

_Percy says something. Annabeth rolls her eyes, but smiles anyway._

_Suddenly he puts his hands on her hips and pulls her closer. She has to look up to look him in the eye. A hurricane and the sea._

_Their noses are touching and then she presses their lips together. It’s brief and sweet. He’s smiling and her eyes are glistening. She mouths an I love you, Seaweed Brain and he whispers ‘I love you, too.’_

_The moment’s perfectly sweet and romantic. Something from an old-fashioned movie. And even though Percy can be romantic at times, he’s not one for old-fashioned movie romance. All of a sudden a jet of salty seawater is being poured over them._

_Annabeth jumps back with a yelp and sends him a scolding look while Percy just laughs at her stunned face. He, of course, stayed dry. Annabeth on the other hand, is dripping. Her clothes cling to her body and Percy can see her blue bra through her white shirt. When she notices him looking, she sends him another look. This one more aggressive than the previous one. It’s clear that she’s not amused._

_He tries to conjure a serious expression and manages to a certain degree. His mouth is set straight, his eyes, however, are still full of laughter. ‘I’m sorry’, he says, trying to keep a straight face. ‘You know that – sometimes it’s hard for me to – to control my powers. It was an accident.’ He can’t suppress the choked laugh hiding in his chest._

_‘Sure, Percy. I’m sure it was just an accident.’, she answers. Her voice filled with sarcasm._

_He tries to take her wrists to pull her to him again, but she doesn’t let him. ‘I’m not kissing you again. I’m all wet and I smell like salt. Wouldn’t want that to rub off on you now, do we?. Not when you’re all dry and clean.’_

_She starts walking away from him, annoyance still clear in her eyes. But suddenly, all around her, heart-shaped drops of water rain down, not touching her, though. Before she has time to register it all, the hearts are accompanied by_ I’m sorry _s and_ I love you _s_

_Immediately her face lights up. She looks at the water around her and then at Percy. Her eyes are shining and she’s smiling while shaking her head. ‘You’re such an idiot!’, she exclaims, but the words are full of love._

_She walks to where he’s standing and crashes their lips together with such force Percy actually stumbles backwards and lets himself fall on the sand. He kisses her back and opens their lips to let their tongues explore the rest._

 

The water pipes explode. The waves crash to the shore aggressively, making it impossibly dangerous for people to swim in the sea. The fountains flood. The city has never known as much water damage as the last few weeks have brought them. The people simply believe it to be a rough summer.

It’s getting out of hand. He regularly puts other people in danger. He’d be walking somewhere and see a girl with long blonde hair. A for a second, for a split second he’d think it’s Annabeth. Until he looks closer and realize she’s taller than Annabeth was and that it’s not the right shade of blonde anyway. But that glimmer of hope, that split second he thought he dreamed everything and Annabeth is just there, brings out so much disappointment and frustration, that it feels like losing her all over again. And if losing her once is torture, then he can’t even describe how it feel to lose her not twice, but multiple times a day. It’s hell. It’s _fucking_ hell.

When Annabeth died, she took a chunk of his heart with her. And every time that glimmer of hope comes crashing down, another piece of his heart breaks until it’s barely a heart anymore. But something that used to be glorious and died overtime. Now, all that’s left is heartbreak and pain.

He thinks of her all the time. She’s always there. He thought she was always on his mind when she was still alive, but it’s nothing compared to this. He’s unable to meet people she knew, because it floods him with memories. Walking around town is nearly impossible. He’s been almost everywhere with her and going there again without her, is too hard. Any couple showing affection, olives, beautiful buildings she would’ve loved, anything grey, baseball caps and anything Yankees. Everything reminds him of her.

He doesn’t know how to deal with these feelings, so they translate into his powers. He’s like a broken lightbulb, lighting brightly at the most unexpected of moments, suddenly, violently, without any kind of warning. Flooding the world, not in light, but in water. He can’t bring himself to care. That part of him, like any good part, is gone with Annabeth.

*

_Percy comes home, smiling brightly. Sally’s in the kitchen making some kind of food. Percy goes up to her and kisses her on the cheek, looking down to see what she’s making._

_‘Hey mom’, he says. ‘what’s that?’_

_'HI, honey. Just some pasta.’_

_‘_ _Can you make it bleu?’_

_She laughs. ‘I can try. Sure.’_

_He sits at one of the chairs around the table. He can’t stop grinning thinking about what happened today. Sally notices of course._

_‘What’s got you all happy?’_

_Percy shrugs. ‘Nothing.’ She doesn’t believe him._

_‘C’mon, tell me!’, she points at him with the spoon she’s holding._

_Percy stands up and laughs. ‘No, I’m not telling you.’_

_‘And why not?’_

_‘Because you’re my mother and I’m not talking to you about this. That’s too embarrassing.’_

_She puts her hand on her heart, trying to look hurt, but her eyes are shining and betray her joy. ‘Please, you used to tell me everything when you were little. The things I know about you are way more embarrassing than whatever it is you’re hiding from me.’_

_‘I’m not embarrassed by what happened. I’m embarrassed talking to you about it. And I’m not hiding anything from you. I’m just not telling.’_

_‘That’s basically the definition of hiding!’, she says, putting the spoon back in the pot and stewing it. ‘Is this about Annabeth?’, she asks, suddenly._

_Percy’s cheeks flush red. ‘Wh – What? Where did you get that idea?’, he stammers._

_‘So it_ is _about Annabeth. I knew it!’_

_Percy groans and puts his head in his hands. ‘Fine.’, he says. ‘I kissed her, okay?’_

_Sally jumps around and taps her hands together. ‘Finally! Thank the gods, it took you long enough!’_

_Percy looks at her, his cheeks still bright red._

_‘What? Everyone knew you liked each other. It was only a matter of time. So, was it a good kiss?’_

_‘Mom!’, he whines. ‘Really?’ ‘I only want what’s best for you and I know Annabeth’s good for you.’_

_‘She’s way too good for me.’, Percy mutters in response._

_Sally shakes her head. ‘You’re good for each other. She deserves you as much as you deserve her, okay?’ She ruffles his hair like she used to do when he was younger. He ducks his head out of her hands. She shakes her head lovingly and looks him in the eye. ‘_

_Are you in love with her, honey?’_

_‘Maybe.’, he says. Sally raises her eyebrows. ‘Yes! I’m in love with her. Gods, you really intend on finding out all my secrets tonight, aren’t you?’_

_Sally’s smile grows bigger and she throws her hands around him. He pretends to be annoyed like any teenagers has done at one point or another, but hugs her back. ‘I’m happy for you, honey. I really am.’, she whispers in his ear._

 

He misses Annabeth. He misses her more than he ever wanted to get out of Tartarus, he’d do it all over again. He misses her more than he ever hated Smelly Gabe. He misses her more than he’s ever felt scared. He misses her more than anything he’s ever felt. Except for one: He misses her as much as her ever loved her. _Loves_ her. Because he never stopped and never will. She’s a part of him. She’s in his lungs, his breath, his mind,… But more than anything, she’s in his heart. Engraved on it forever.

Then he’s on his knees on the kitchen floor and his vision is blurred with tears and the grey of Annabeth’s eyes. He’s sobbing. Heart-breaking, heart wrenching tears and noises that would make anyone watching cry.

He didn’t hear her coming in, but suddenly his mother is kneeling in front of him, silent tears streaming down her face. She takes him in her arms and holds him. They shift and now he’s practically sitting on her lap. The last time she hold him like that, he must’ve been ten years old.

Percy shoulders are shaking, his chest burning, ragged breathing. Every breath he takes is accompanied by a sob, the sound piercing through the silence of the room. He’s shaking all over and it feels like he’s never going to stop. He may be able to control water, his powers aren’t the same lately and he can’t will the tears back inside.

*

_‘Almost five years of being equals, suddenly I’m the third wheel.’, Grover snickers, good-naturedly._

_Percy kisses Annabeth again. Grover rolls his eyes. ‘Yeah, yeah, you proved your point. Your disgustingly cute,_ we all know. _’_

_Annabeth turns to him, a glow in her eyes Grover assumes to be love. ‘Where’s Juniper?_ You _two are cute.’_

_At the mention of her name, Grover lights up. ‘_ That’s _why you’re my friend, Annie. You’re nice to me. Opposed to_ him’ _, he jerks his chin in Percy’s direction. ‘there. My so-called best friend.’ ‘_

_You know you love me!’, Percy says. And turns back to Annabeth to kiss her again. She shakes her head. ‘Why don’t you go kiss Grover? Seen as you love each other so much.’, she says in a teasing tone._

_Percy looks at Grover, pretending to be angry. ‘Now see what you did. My girlfriend doesn’t want to kiss me because of you!’_

_Grover shrugs and smiles. He clasps him on the back. ‘Not my problem, dude.’, he says. ‘I’m going to find Juniper.’ He stars walking towards the forest, then he says. ‘And don’t let his puppy-eyes fool you Annabeth! I know you’re stronger than that.’ He runs off._

 

Grover is standing in Percy’s doorway. His hands are buried deep inside his pockets. He smiles hesitantly. Percy just looks at him.

‘Hey’, Grover finally says. ‘I just came to say hi.’

Percy nods, but still doesn’t say anything.

‘So, how are you?’, he continues. Percy shrugs in response and goes back inside. He leaves the door open, indicating Grover to follow him. He does and closes the door behind him.

He’s not exactly surprised, but the apartment looks depressing. It’s dirty, there are wet patches everywhere. Furniture is knocked over. The walls used to be decorated with pictures and other things, all those are now scattered on the floor, shattered. The only pictures left are the ones of Annabeth alone.

Grover sits down on the couch and Percy goes to sit on a chair in front of him. Grover finds it hard to look at him. Percy’s eyes are different. Colder. All joy, fun, jokes are gone and what’s left is sadness and anger. It scares Grover. He wonders if it’s healthy to love someone as much as Percy loves Annabeth. So much he can barely live on without her. He doesn’t think it is. Annabeth died and, he realizes now, so did Percy in a way.

‘So, it’s been a while.’, Grover says, breaking the silence. Hesitantly, he adds: ‘How have you been?’

Percy shrugs once again and answers: ‘How do you think?’

‘Everyone is worried about you, Perce.’

‘Oh, poor everyone. They must have it tough.’, Percy says coldly. He hasn’t lost his sarcasm, but he uses it a whole lot differently than he used to.

‘Listen, we’re your friends, Percy. Of course it’s not the same. But I’m still worried.’

‘No, it’s not the same at all.’

‘I could help you, you know.’ ‘And how do you plan on doing that? Unless you can get me Annabeth back, there’s nothing you can do.’, he answers sharply.

‘Look’, Graver says patiently. ‘I know that – ‘ 

Percy doesn’t let him finish. He shouts: ‘No! You _don’t_ know how it is. You _don’t know_!’ he stands up so fast his chair falls back with a lot of noise. ‘You have no idea! No idea at all how it is to see her in the crowd everywhere you go and literally feel your heart breaking fifty times a day. You don’t know how it is to be afraid to go to sleep, because you know waking up is the real nightmare. I haven’t slept in _three days_. I would do anything to dream of Tartarus again. Anything.

So, no, you don’t fucking know how it is. To lose your best friend and so much more. You _don’t know_.’

When he’s done talking the silence is heavy and there’s something between the two boys that wasn’t there before. Grover doesn’t bother telling Percy that Annabeth was his friend too and that he does understand what he feels on a certain level.

Percy is breathing loudly. After a while, Grover stands up and walks to the door. He put his hand on the doorknob and stops. Without looking at Percy he softly says: ‘I _do_ know how it is to lose my best friend, Percy. I lost you.’

Then he’s gone.

*

_It’s all Annabeth, Annabeth, Annabeth. His vision, his touch, all he can smell, all he can hear. His hands are roaming her body and her hands are on his chest. He tries to touch her wherever he can. Her face, her thighs, her hips. Every touch leaves him breathless and aching for more. Her eyes are looking up at him, the same expression mirrored on her features. He’s like a dying man, trying to capture everything he can before the end. And in a way it’s reality. He could die at any given moment. Their lives are dangerous, way too dangerous for two teenagers in love. He presses their lips together._

_‘Are you sure you want this?’, Percy asks. ‘Yes, Seaweed Brain!’, she exclaims. ‘If you ask me that one more time I’ll start thinking you don’t want to.’_

_‘I mean – that’s not true. You know I –‘ She cuts him off with a hard kiss. He can’t help but moan when her hands travel lower and lower. She flips them over in his bed. Now she’s the one on top of him. Their clothes are already scattered around the room, clearly unwanted._

_Annabeth starts to leave a trail of kisses from his broad chest down to his stomach and the fine line of hair under his navel._

_He flips her back under him. He kisses her again, their tongues furiously fighting for the upper hand. ‘_

_Percy’, she says. ‘I’m ready.’_

_And then it happens. Their bodies become one in a way and the feeling is magical. He looks at her and she’s so beautiful._

_Annabeth is an expert at hiding her pain, but he knows her better than he knows himself and he knows it’s there. He does everything to slow down the pain and when her face turns to pleasure, he burns. His vison turns red, red, red, leaving only Annabeth. His love for Annabeth, his happiness. He’s burning._

 

Percy is standing on Mount Olympus in front of the gods. He’s shaking with anger, burning with anger. He’s surrounded by a spiral of water, the water turning at such a speed the throne room is filled with an incredibly strong wind. He’s holding Riptide in his hand and he looks ready to attack. The gods are looking down on him from their throne. Zeus, Hera and Athena with distaste, Poseidon worried. To be honest, Poseidon is probably the only reason Zeus hasn’t killed Percy for invading their home yet.

‘How could you?’, he screams, loud enough to be heard over the water churning and the wind blowing. ‘How could you just let her die?’

He doesn’t say who he’s talking about, but they all know. Annabeth is the only person that could unclench so much sadness and anger inside of Percy. He didn’t become a god for her, after all.

‘Why?’, he roars, his voice breaking in a sob. A stream of water hits one of the statues. It shatters in a million pieces on the ground.

Zeus stands up. ‘That’s enough, son of Poseidon!’

Behind him his throne breaks too. He’s fuming, but Percy doesn’t care.

‘Percy, please. Calm down before someone gets killed.’, Poseidon tries to reason. They all know he meant to say _before you get killed_.

‘Just like Annabeth got killed?’ Percy turns to Athena. ‘She was your daughter! Why didn’t you save her?’

‘It’s not the place of the gods to decide the fate of people. The fates have decided she had to die, then she dies.’

‘That didn’t stop you before!’ Tears are streaming down his face, his voice is breaking, he has never looked more dangerous and powerful. The gods know love is the strongest emotion of all. They know grief can drive people insane.

‘How dare you talk to me like that?’ Another jet of water shatters a pillar. ‘I will not hesitate to kill you if you don’t seize your attack this moment. ‘

Percy thinks he’s going crazy. Even crazier than he already was.

_You drool when you sleep._

Annabeth is everywhere in his mind. He has no control over his powers. This time for real. He can’t believe the gods haven’t killed him yet. He knows it won’t be long if he doesn’t stop what he’s doing.

_‘Don’t I get a kiss for good luck? It’s kind of a tradition, right?’_

_‘Come back alive, Seaweed Brain. Then we’ll see.’_

He won’t stay alive much longer. He doesn’t care. He can’t understand what the gods are saying and threatening. He thinks he can faintly hear his father pleading him to stop and Aphrodite shrieking that love, yes love, is more powerful than anything. But he’s not sure, all he hears is Annabeth in his head.

_‘We’re staying together. You’re not getting away from me. Never again.’_

_‘As long as we’re together.’_

But they’re not together anymore. She did get away from him. He broke his promise to never let her go. They need to be together again. There’s only one way.

_‘You promised, Seaweed Brain. We would never get separated! Ever again!’_

He has to keep his promise, that’s all that matters. That Annabeth and he are together. That’s all that has ever mattered. He’s nothing without her. Not in this world, this world without importance without her in it.

_‘You’re cute when you’re worried. Your eyebrows get all scrunched together.’_

He’s not worried. He’s miserable and he knows she wouldn’t think he’s cute now. Not screaming: ‘Kill me then. Just kill me and get it over with!’, but the gods don’t listen. He wonders if Poseidon is trying to protect him. He wishes he wouldn’t. he knows what he wants and this is not it.

_‘I once warned you, Percy Jackson, that to save a friend you would destroy the world.’_

This time it’s not Annabeth’s voice in his head, but her mother’s. It’s true, he thinks. To save Annabeth, he would destroy the world. He can’t bring her back, though. He can only join her.

‘Just kill me. _Please._ ’ The throne room is ruined.

In the end it’s Apollo that grants Percy’s wish. Having endured loss himself, he knows how hard it is to live on when a loved one is gone and he knows it would be cruel to ignore Percy’s pleas and keep him alive when he so clearly doesn’t want to be.

 

Elysium shines brightly and white when Percy arrives. Annabeth is already waiting for him. She, too, is shining and her blonde hair is golden, her grey eyes as alive as they were before. She walks towards him.

‘I can’t believe you did this to yourself.’, she scowls, the first thing she says to him. Of course that would be it. He was a fool to expect some melodramatic reuniting, with angels singing in the background while she kisses him. It’s Annabeth. He should’ve known better than expecting her to make things easy for him and giving him exactly what he wants. Even in heaven.

He shrugs and answers: ‘It was too hard without you.’

She shakes her head. ‘But you weren’t alone. You had our friends.’

‘You were my _best_ friend, though. Can I kiss you?’

She lets him pull her closer, but doesn’t let him kiss her. ‘You idiot!’, but there’s a smile dangling on her lips.

‘I can’t believe you’re going to make me fight for a kiss, even in Elysium.'

She smiles. ‘You know I’m never, ever going to make things easy for you, Seaweed Brain. I told you to get used to it, didn’t I?’

She moves closer to him and when their lips are about to touch she whispers: ‘I missed you, Seaweed Brain.’

‘Not as much as I did.’, he answers

‘Clearly.’ She presses their lips together. And he’s happy again.

**Author's Note:**

> I got this as a request on Tumblr. If you want me to write something, you can always ask me at: http://vlindervin7.tumblr.com/ask.  
> I hope you liked it. It's my first time writing Percabeth, so let me know if they're a little OOC. I hope not.  
> Thank you for reading. It really means a lot.  
> The title comes form 'Doubt' by Twenty One Pilots.
> 
> Love,  
> Jasmine


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